The Candyman is Back

While washing up this evening, I had the back door open during a torrential downpour...because I like to smell the rain falling on the garden. Derek, my retired Mancunian neighbour appeared suddenly at the door, his head peeping from under the briars of my huge monster of a rose bush. He startled me, the way he just appeared like that...there was something garden-gnomeish about it...as though he'd just come to life.

My conversations with Derek are usually not about the crack addict, the weather, or who's moved in or out of Deal Street...instead they are usually a cover up for an undercurrent of something else and a mutual need on both sides...loneliness perhaps, on his part...and sheer hungover boredom on my part...at least today anyway. It's a role-play routine we perform roughly two or three times a month...whenever he catches me - usually if I'm reading a book in the garden with my feet up on the plastic table...putting out the washing or watering my plants by the backdoor...He will appear suddenly from a hidden recess in the garden and say my name assertively...before sounding off about something or other that's annoying him. Like today...

"E'es back y'know...
"Who is?" I said.
"Our friend the Crack addict."
"When? I've not seen him?"
"Last night...he came and did that thing with the bins again...pushed them out, one on either side, to block the garden gate...so no one would come in and see 'im 'aving a fix..shooting up, pissing on our recycling bin and using it as a toilet... whatever."
"Same one? baseball cap and white puffa jacket?"
"Yep...same bloke. But you know we've just got to call the Police this time. That's what they said the last time they came down to investigate. If you see'im, don't attempt to say anything to 'im. Just call the cop shop and they'll come down and sort 'im out...
..."Half an hour later, most likely.."
"yeah, typical innit. If I catch 'im in there again...what I want to do is run round t'other side and ram the garden gate closed, so 'e can't get out."
"Then he'll most likely do a runner anyway Derek...and jump over the fence into next door's car park...and use that old wooden palette which used to be up against the fence..."
"No, I've taken that away now. He can't use it any more."
And with that Derek is gone again. Vanished into the shrubbery until the next instalment.